There is Still No Cure

A Rule of Thumb

Never wear shoes in which you could not run for your life if necessary... And you never know when it might be necessary.

Anxious Insomnia

All the world’s a blur
Round and round
The merry-go-round whirls
Quivering heart beating
Faster faster faster
Til breath is caught
The world stops
Fade to black
Spidery veins of fear
Crackling through me
Fragile bones breaking
Hot tears coursing
Through the dust

Intertwined

Curled warm in
My feather nest
The rhythmic pulse
Of slumber deepening
I can feel you
In the space beside me

The Balancing Effect

So often I find that there is dynamic tension between the part of me that would rush ahead with abandon, and the part of me that would hide in silence. Some days I look down at her who would remain hidden, and can feel my fingers ALMOST slipping completely free of her hold. Other days I look up at her who would rush out into life, and tighten my hold on her hand.

The balancing effect is something like going out on the ice for the first time each winter.... Slow steps, spreading your weight evenly, listening carefully for the sharp crack that warns of falling through to an icy drowning death. (She tightens her grip) Each step is brave, risky, and painstakingly slow, but it’s not until you reach the other side safely that first time, that you can play with abandon (She lets go) ...

A Trip Down Memory Lane (My Concert Log)

1988, Poison, Hearnes Center, Columbia
1993, Billy Goat, Columbia
1993, Megadeath, Pantera, White Zombie, Riverport, St Louis
June 27, 1996, Lollapalooza (Metallica/Soundgarden)
February 4, 1997 Metallica, Kiel Center, St Louis
April 15, 1997, KISS, Kiel Center, St Louis
August 20, 1997, ZZ Top, State Fair Grounds, Sedalia
March 9, 1998, Limp Bizkit, Clutch, SevenDust, Columbia
April 26, 1998, Cracker, Columbia
March 13, 1998, Robert Bluestone, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
February 6, 1998, Reverend Horton Heat, Columbia
May 27, 1998, The Foo Fighters, Columbia
June 6, 1998, Slayer, Columbia
September 10, 1998, The Black Crowes, Columbia
September 19, 1998, Bocomo Fall Festivus, Boone County Fairgrounds
November 1999, Al Jarreau, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
June 27, 2000, The Jayhawks, Columbia
2000, Chris Duarte, Mojo’s, Columbia
November 26, 2000, The Wallflowers w/ Everlast, The Pageant, St Louis
April 4, 2001, SR-71 w/ Dexter Freebish, Columbia
July 16, 2001, Blues Traveler, Columbia
August, 18, 2001, BB King/Buddy Guy, John Hiatt/Tommy Castro, Fox Theater, St Louis December 17, 2001, Gravity Kills w/ Pigface and Godhead
February 22, 2002, Rev. Horton Heat w/ Nashville Pussy, Columbia
March 14, 2003, Rev. Horton Heat, Columbia
September 30, 2003, Queensryche, Columbia
April 2, 2004, Rev. Horton Heat, Columbia
2004, Jonatha Brooke, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
November 3, 2004, Ministry w/Thrill Kill Cult, Columbia
February, 13, 2005, Big Head Todd w/Carbon Leaf
April 20, 2005, Crossfade, Columbia
April 22, 2005, Slipknot w/ Lamb of God, City Market, Kansas City
April 26, 2005, Ozomatli, Columbia
2005, Split Lip Rayfield, Columbia

A Stab at the Answer

At the end of my last relationship, I was stunned by how it paralleled my marriage. It constituted the Beginning. I realized the Truth about myself and began setting my “house” in order so that such parallels could never reappear.

At times, I am jarred, confused, and sometimes afraid of what seems to be the re-emergence of the parallels. I feel uncertain, exposed, and unguarded. The past wells up like a flood washing over the present and the future. Not simple déjà vu, but the feeling that I have rushed around the corner and collided with myself.

The experience causes me to question over and over again, “Can things be different AND the same?” I hesitate on this point knowing the dire consequences should I per chance walk the same circle that I have previously walked. Doing the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity. I want to hold my sanity, which is more complete now than it has been in years. I promised myself at the beginning that I would never do the same thing again.

But, EVERYTHING is the same, and everything is different. Red and green apples, the gentle breeze that pushes me across the lake and later turns into a tornado, H. erectus and H. sapiens, translation, water and vapor, red/blue/purple, the same word spoken in love and hate, the light that warms and the light that cuts, transformation, the alcoholic and the meth-head, the same song played in a different key, the Universe. And, my Self--I am the same, and I am different... since last year, since last month, since this morning.

A simple concept? Perhaps. But to those who wish to avoid repeating the past it can be frightening. There is a fine line between close-minded stereotyping, and wise discernment. The answer is as complex as it is simple. In essence, all people are the same, all men are the same. But the colors that stain their essence and the pains that drive their passions are different... Similarity does not indicate parallel? One must have the wisdom to discern whether or not the similarity is analogous or homologous?

The answer is in the measure of connectivity between myself and the person that I am relating to: Are WE parallel to each other..? Do we create beautiful shades and blends together...?

Goodnight Moon

There’s a nail in the door
And there’s glass on the lawn
Tacks on the floor
And the tv is on
And I always sleep with my guns
When you’re gone
There’s a blade by the bed
And a phone in my hand
A dog on the floor
And some cash on the nightstand
When I’m all alone the dreaming stops
And I just can’t stand
What should I do
I’m just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
Well goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it’s not here soon
I might be done
No it won’t be too soon
’til I say
Goodnight moon

Shivaree//Soundtrack Kill Bill: Volume 2

Two Things Every Girl Should Own

I understand that as a home owner I will have to acquire "real" tools for the around the house projects that keep popping up. But, I've said it before and I'll say it again (much to the chagrin of most males within earshot)...

You can do ALMOST anything with just a hammer and a screwdriver.

New appreciation today as I am ripping up the carpet in one of my rooms to expose the hardwood.

Dreams

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

I know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you

Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They’ll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do

Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
For what I couldn’t find

Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
’cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me

Cranberries// Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?

Unexpected Wisdom #4

"When you get that feeling in your gut, the one that makes you cold all over, don't take the deal."

Beloved One

We have both been here before
Knockin' upon love's door
Begging for someone to let us in
Knowing this we can agree
To keep each other company
Never to go down that road again
My beloved one, my beloved one

Your eyes shine through me
You are so divine to me
Your heart has a home in mine
We won't have to say a word
With a touch all shall be heard

When I search my heart it's you I find
My beloved one, my beloved one, my beloved one

You were meant for me,
I believe you were sent to me
From the dreams trailing to my heart
Hold your body and close to me
You mean most to me
We will keep each other safe from harm
My beloved one, my beloved one, my beloved one

Ben Harper/Burn to Shine

Relationships Are Like Cacti

They are life in the desert
Beautiful when they bloom
Filled with delicate fruit

But every once in a while
Despite care, they prick you
And you draw back

Not because the cactus is bad
It just is... itself
Its nature is to prick

The difference is
When you draw back from the cactus
You don’t wonder why it did that

Or wonder if the pain you feel is wrong
Or feel guilty
Or doubt yourself

You just know it’s nature
And that the risk is worth it
When you’re in the desert

Mission Accomplished

It's done. I mixed and met, drank my wine, and gave my speech. The people came, ate their dinner, gave their money, and left. The Gala was a success.

A Hiatus

I know that I have been a bit lazy on the blog these last few weeks, but I thought I'd let you know that I won't be around until next weekend. The big deal at work that has been stressing me out is going down this week.

Wish me luck ?

Entwined

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Your heart…..or mine?

Dripping.
Aching.
Wounded.
You are cut….I bleed.

Pounding.
Rushing.
Throbbing.
I am wrapped in your sleepless anxiety.

July 3, 2002

A Day to Remember

Moments in a Happy Day

Hearing the voice of God

Teaching someone

Helping someone

The laughter of my children

Meeting someone new

Seeing something beautiful

A shade of purple

Creating something
The warmth of the sun

Talking with my sister

A beautiful song
Learning something new

There is, in each of these things, an element of connection: Connection to God, connection to Others, and connection to Nature.

We all have, I believe, an empty place deep inside of us, and an even deeper need to fill that space. Driven by this need we seek, we find, we abandon, we give, we take, and we create. Feeling connection is what fills my spaces.

Each day that I do not find a way to connect is a day that my spirit wilts, dies a little. The emptiness grows ever larger until it swallows me. Its hollow darkness snuffs out my ability to reach out and touch the world, touch others. Worse, no one can reach in to touch me.

It is the beginning of the downward spiral that I call depression, and what waits at the bottom is more than I can bear anymore. Finally, I have learned that there is a way to stop myself from sliding. I have learned that I don’t have to spend so much time clawing my way back to the top. This simple list is the answer.

In the end, all of my strivings to give and love, to learn and create, are not because I am a good, smart, or strong person.

I do it to survive.

Bumper Sticker Wisdom ?

100 Things About Me

1. I have two teenage daughters.
2. They are bi-racial.
3. Their father was the only black man that I have ever been with.
4. I have been married, and divorced, twice.
5. I have suffered from depression since I was in the 5th grade.
6. I believe this is directly related to my father.
7. I no longer speak to my father.
8. I speak to my mother at least once a day.
9. I couldn't have raised my kids without her.
10. When my parents divorced, my sisters and I were happy about it.
11. We wished they had done it much sooner.
12. I see my sisters at least twice a week.
13. We have become friends over the last year, for the first time ever.
14. All three of us suffered tragedy in the last year.
15. My sisters are twins.
16. They are 2 years younger than me.
17. I had my first kid at age 17.
18. My second came at age 19.
19. My second daughter was born in a birthing center, completely naturally.
20. I took her home one hour after she was born.
21. I got my first divorce at age 20.
22. I did not graduate from high school.
23. I started college when my second child was six weeks old.
24. I finally finished my second degree when she was 11.
25. My favorite color is purple.
26. But lately, I have grown fond of red and yellow.
27. Sometimes I feel afraid, for no apparent reason.
28. Being afraid doesn't stop me.
29. I live in organized chaos.
30. I have studied chaos theory.
31. I have had a relationship with God since before I can remember.
32. I do not have a fish on the back of my car.
33. I DO have an NRA sticker on the back of my car.
34. I bought my first house one year ago.
35. I intended to move here with my husband.
36. Instead I moved in alone.
37. I have 22 trees in my backyard.
38. Trees are one of my favorite living things.
39. I have always wanted to own a chinchilla.
40. I never did get one.
41. I have a fish in a 30 gallon aquarium.
42. I raised him from birth, he is 7 years old, and his name is Smiley.
43. I always have plants in the house.
44. I have a plant that belonged to my grandmother.
45. I like old things.
46. I collect eggs.
47. I also collect books.
48. I got my first egg when I was 13. It was a pink marble egg.
49. I have degree in Anthropology.
50. I am a certified counselor.
51. I don't work either field.
52. I love to listen to music REALLY loud and drive FAST.
53. I suffer from anxiety attacks.
54. I think about suicide a lot.
55. I don't think I'd actually do it, but I'm not sure.
56. I am a recovering cutter (acts of self harm).
57. I have not committed an act of self harm since 2001.
58. I am definitely getting better.
59. This has been the worst AND the best year of my life.
60. My way of being has changed significantly over the last year.
61. I like to exercise. I think a good honest sweat is healthy.
62. I like creating something new out of something old.
63. I used to practice magic. Sometimes I still want to.
64. I used to read tarot. I miss that more.
65. Sometimes I wonder how many people read my blog.
66. I started writing it find out if there are other people out there who think like I do.
67. I have always worked in the field of social service.
68. I hope that my experiences help me to be more compassionate and helpful to others.
69. I wonder if I will ever get married again.
70. I will be okay if I don't, but it would be disappointing to me.
71. I think my purpose in life is to make connections. This could mean a lot of different things.
72. I have not taken any medication for over a year.
73. I am doing okay without it.
74. I have had less depression this year, then any year since the 5th grade.
75. I like solving intellectual puzzles.
76. It makes me good at what I do.
77. I love music of all kinds, especially heavy metal, live and loud.
78. Hallucinogens are my favorite drugs.
79. I don't do drugs anymore.
80. Laughter is very important to me. I find humor in almost everything.
81. I am extremely shy.
82. But I love being around people.
83. I spend WAY too much time at my computer.
84. Sometimes I think about getting rid of it.
85. My oldest daughter is a kind person.
86. My youngest daughter is witty and funny.
87. I can't wait to see what they're like all grown up.
88. I wonder what my life will be like when they're gone. It will happen soon.
89. Sometimes I over think things.
90. Sometimes I spend too much time planning the future.
91. I love dancing, to music of all kinds.
92. I learned to belly dance this year.
93. My sexuality has been a driving force in my life.
94. I have not felt lonely lately.
95. I feel very optimistic about the future today.
96. I frequently go out alone. I don't mind at all.
97. I read this list, and thought it might seem a little bleak.
98. But most of these things are positive.
99. I am happy where I am today.
100. There is someone that I am hoping to see next year.

Joy

My heart is dancing circles
Around the memory of you.
Smiles and laughter
Bubble around thoughts of us.
My mind soars on
Feathery wings of contentment.
My soul is light
Dancing, floating, flying.

October 26, 2002

I Quit Watching Oprah...

When she did a show called "Anyone Can be a Vogue Cover Model"

1. It's not true, and,

2. It implies that everyone should be.

Why...

Do people insist on walking REALLY slow down the MIDDLE of the aisle when you're trying to park ?

Worse yet, they keep looking over their shoulder at you as if you don't belong there ! ? !

Tender Hearts

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance,

and above all that you guard,

for out of it flow the springs of life.

Just Black

I am fascinated by our culture's evolving obsession with coffee. Even further, with our willingness to stand, for up to twenty minutes, in line whilst those ahead of us order gourmet concoctions that must whipped, steamed, stirred, sprinkled, poured and repoured by disinterested youngsters behind the counter...

I am a Coffee LOVER ! HOWEVER-- as of late, I find the idea of entering a coffee shop about as pleasant as the idea of entering a mall. Sometimes all I want is a simple cup of coffee.. a good one. As I am both often running late, and impatient, this makes the local foo-foo coffee shop seem like the third ring of hell..

Why can't they have a line just for those of us who want to grab a paper cup, fill it with coffee, and leave ? (Yes the world SHOULD revolve around me)

A Trick of the Imagination ?

When I'm Drowning...

I pray.

It's the only thing that keeps me alive really.

Still Spinning

My anxiety is intolerable at times. It keeps me awake, and makes me exhausted.

I stood outside a few minutes ago thinking to myself, "The details, can't let myself drown in the details... " Don't sweat the small stuff right ? Easier said than done. All this will pass in a few short weeks... long weeks, and then there will be different concerns.

My daughter just called me. The dog crawled under the fence and is standing just out of reach, refusing to come back. Daughter is frantic and upset about this problem, the solution being not quite touchable. There are only two choices: stand and wait for the dog to comply, or leave and risk the dog going to the pound. Both are unacceptable to her. I, of course, can do nothing from here. The resolution will take care of itself, one way or another, by the time I get home.

Stand and wait... It's comforting in way, knowing that, one way or another, everything passes. Sometimes it doesn't even matter how it turns out... Just that it will come to an end.