Recycled Words

I think that somehow, some way, we have learned to handle pain in the wrong way. We think that we should create walls, build up defenses, shut down our feelings, and at all cost avoid that thing that we identify as the source of our pain. We minimize it, ignore it, or do enough drugs to make it go away for awhile. In effect, we begin to shut down the vital parts of ourselves, limit ourselves, disconnect ourselves, and lower our expectations. So we think we learned the lesson, but we actually crippled ourselves. The pain becomes a permanent part of us, rather than a transient experience that shapes us. The solution becomes the problem.

The Second Noble Truth

"Desire does not cause suffering; the cause of suffering is the grasping of desire."

Can one really stop the grasping ?

Your Grace

It hurts me when my best efforts are ridiculed.

The quandry: Am I that inadequate ? Or is it really not my best effort ?

If I asked someone...

"Is it right to do that ?"

Is it fair to assume that I have made a judgement either for or against them ?

He Strokes My Soul

He has a special way of making love to me that warms my bones. The heat thickens my blood and flows like lava through every chilled room in my heart. My heart slows and my breathing deepens as tensions are released.

He touches me with words, colors, and music.

Every day, I imagine how it will be the first time his fingertips touch mine... And then my heart quickens...

I Wonder

If we suddenly couldn't get: teeth bleaching, hair dye, dipilitories, liposuction, tanning beds, treadmills, acne medicine, overpriced clothing, spa treatments, nail polish, and makeup...

Would we be surrounded only by ugly people, and would anyone be able to get a date ?

Lament

I feel sad that my failings hurt my friend (s).

RE: Anthro 101

It is true that individuals in this country lack the level of commitment required for proper oiling of the democratic machine. As Brico points out, the evolutionary perspective may be be able to shed some light on the reasons why, much like it sheds light on most of the other biological, psychological, and sociological disorders commonly found in humans.

In the Era of Evolutionary Adaptation (EEA), the extended family was the primary social group of hunter-gatherers. Small groups were necessary for mobility, ample hunting, and agriculture. An added benefit—mate guarding did not require intense vigilance. “Culture” was rudimentary at best and leadership (ie government) stemmed from unwritten mandates that promoted successful pair bonding and, in turn, raising successful offspring.

Modern “culture” has eroded away the “natural” tendencies of humans to work as little as possible, play as much as possible, and focus on the nurturance of the family unit. More importantly, the ever widening social context dilutes the biological significance of leadership as found in the EEA.

Not only has population growth forced us to live in close proximity to each other, but it has pressed us ever more closely for resources (as Brico says “in caveman times this would be water, shelter, fire, hunting grounds”). Beyond this, modern culture jeopardizes those things that have the deepest evolved biopsychological meaning to us: mates and offspring.

And yes, our “alpha male” i.e. leader/president is neither close to us in proximity nor genetic relatedness, which makes him “instinctively” irrelevant to us. Perhaps we could say the same of government as a whole.

Do we remain focused on subculture ? Yes and it’s what we’re evolved to do. Can we raise our consciousness to the greater good ? Possibly, but it’s not “natural” to do so. Is the greater good where we “should” be focused ? That is a whole different discussion regarding the faulty government structures that we are saddled with.

Many of society’s ‘ills’ can be associated with the attempt to force humans to be what they are not. The biological truth is: reciprocity and altruism are not motivated by the greater good, they are motivated by the individual’s purely self-centered desires to have maximum biological success in the present and the future. To act on behalf of the greater good, outside of those related to us genetically, violates the biological principles underlying evolutionary biology.

Could it be ?

The celebration of diversity promotes isolationism.

No Apologies

How you have felt, O men of Athens, at hearing the speeches of my accusers, I cannot tell; but I know that their persuasive words almost made me forget who I was - such was the effect of them; and yet they have hardly spoken a word of truth.

For I have had many accusers, who accused me of old, and their false charges have continued during many years; and I am more afraid of them than of Anytus and his associates, who are dangerous, too, in their own way.

Well, then, I will make my defence, and I will endeavor in the short time which is allowed to do away with this evil opinion of me which you have held for such a long time; and I hope I may succeed, if this be well for you and me, and that my words may find favor with you. But I know that to accomplish this is not easy - I quite see the nature of the task. Let the event be as God wills: in obedience to the law I make my defence.

Happy Spring...

Evolution is...

Incremental changes over long periods of time that result in the development of new characteristics.

Evolution requires...

Enough variation for flexibility.

Evolution ends...

When homogeny is complete.

Good Livers are Hard to Find

There is Nothing Built Like This Today

“Love is built through soul-to-soul connection, shared values, commitment, resolving conflicts and hurts, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness, giving, displays of character, spiritual compatibility, and sharing---things that all have something important in common: time.”
--Henry Cloud

Hokiest Movie Ever...

I thought it was Leprachaun until I saw Jack Frost.

The sad thing is, I actually watched these movies long enough to find out. The only possible reason to produce such garbage is to become fodder for Mystery Science Theatre ?

Reminisce

"Funny how when a person is alone, all they want is some company, then when they've got that, they want more and more and more and more to the point of forcing it back to nothing."

One of the Hard Things

I don't mind working hard, even to exhaustion. I can survive failure, as it always seems to be necessary for eventual success in any given endeavor. Setbacks are infuriating, but expected. What really disappoints me ? Preparation for something (I wanted) that never actually happens (the end of a dream) .

Hmmm...

I keep coming back here... But I can't think of anything to say. Actually earlier I was thinking to myself, "Who the hell really gives a s**t about what I think about anything?"

I've had a renewed bout of struggling with silence as of late. I noticed it in particular today when I wanted to say something, and couldn't. Not in front of everybody else. Sigh. I hate that.It's so hard when speaking aloud feels like such a risk, and at the same time you know that it's critical that you speak your mind. Those moments when you didn't say what you should have can never be regained. They are lost opportunities. Even saying the wrong thing can be recovered from... after all, highly 'successful' people in all fields say/write unbelievable and shocking things at times, right ?

Change is not just hard, it's like fighting quicksand. The harder you pull the faster you sink.

A Sunday Platitude

Communing with God can be done anywhere but you can only have church with other people.

Since it's been so quiet around here...

Ten Things That Annoy Me

1. A new stoplight on road you've driven five million times that makes you slam on your brakes at the bottom of a hill.
2. Bloggers who moderate comments... what gives ?!?!?
3. Those people waving petitions at you in front of the post office when you've no time to think about anything beyond trying to get back to work on time.
4. Blogs with tons of pop-ups, annoying music, and no 'next blog' button at the top.
5. The post office. It makes me feel postal. It's like a vacuum where time, space, reality cease to exist. There is only the postal worker moving more and more slowly, and the line growing longer and longer. Worker mind you, not workers, even though there are five spots only one is staffed. Why bother extending hours if there is no one to work ?
6. Word verification on blogger. I have mine turned off and RARELY have to remove an unwanted comment... at the very least can we make them less complicated so that I can actually post a comment without trying for fifteen minutes ?
7. When the mailman puts my stuff in somebody else's mailbox ... it is inevitably opened when I get it back. So much for privacy.
8. The Patriot Act (speaking of privacy).
9. When people explain things that I already know in the form of a dissertation when a sentence would suffice and still don't answer my question.
10. That the guy in front of me in line was the one who won the lottery. Sigh.

I'll See You on the Other Side

On Being Nothing

I have in my mind an image of who I am supposed to be, who I want to be...

In reality, I am not even close. I do all the things I'm not supposed to do, and very few of the things that I am supposed to do. More than being disappointed in myself, I have felt anguished at times for disappointing God.

What has amazes me about Him is that I can drag myself in front of Him covered with broken nothingness, and He always just brushes it away, shines me up, shows me who I am, and sends me on my way.

I am not an apologist. I'm not a very good Christian. I don’t know a lot about anything really, especially religion. But I do know God. Everything I am, everything I have, He gave to me.

And I would never know it, or have it, if I didn't know I was nothing.

Through the Distance

I can't be anything to you.

I Love My Children

They make me cry, laugh, fume, agonize, plan, hope, dream, and rage all in the course of a day.

The longest love affair I've ever had.

They show me new things, share new perspectives, teach me, alter my thinking, accept my guidance, prove me wrong, prove me right, hug me, cry on my shoulder, scheme for the future with me, hold my hand.

The beginning of the longest friendships I will ever have.

They bring their accomplishments to me, and it is a feeling of satisfaction like no other I have ever experienced. All the aches and pains of the parenting disappear into the moment when she looks into my eyes and is not only proud of what she did, but immensely satisfied that she's able to show it off to me.

One more step in the journey of being a parent.
No one else travels it with me except those two.

Freedom

I have thought a lot about what you said... And I was reminded...

Of all the times when I have stood alone, and felt that inner solitude.
How the cold crept in and brushed it's freezing shine over all I saw.
How my footsteps felt placed where they had been before, retracing the circle.
How I was living a life that was not mine, it was my mother's.
Of the path that my feet were put on and the end to which it would have led.

I remembered when I knew I was nothing and never could be..
It is hard to accept that we are nothing in ourselves.
But the acceptance sets us free to embrace that which will make us
something.

The Debt is Forgiven

Through millions of miles
And hours of time
The stars remain hung
You cannot lose the sun
And you can never owe
For what you did not buy

Release...

Journal Entry 3/5/06

I saw my dad today.

He is recovering from surgery and looks frail. Nothing like the man who terrified me as a child. I feel guilty some days, like today, that I don't feel more for him. I don't hate him, I just don't feel much at all. The place in my heart that is marked 'DAD' is numb, and has been for twenty years.

So I sat and talked to him about his health issues and gave cursory responses to his questions about my life when, quite unexpectedly, I began to pour my heart out to him. I told him my fears, my worries, and my frustrations. And then, the most amazing thing happened. My dad encouraged me, comforted me, and told me that he is proud of me.

Maybe it was just the drugs that softened him up, but for just a moment, the numbness and the hurt underneath faded, and I felt love for my Dad.

Cuz Everyone Else Did One...

Melancholic Personality

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.