A Good Clean Fight

Have you ever noticed that the person you love most in the world, who you would give your life for, can also absolutely drive you insane?

There are those moments when the anger, hurt, disappointment, fury, confusion, disapproval obscure everything.

And in that moment when all your fears, doubts, anxieties bubble up within you, and you feel so painfully exposed, you look at your partner and your heart breaks to see that he suffers too, and you want to reach for him and comfort him and let him comfort you.

Have you ever noticed how a good clean fight can bring you to a new level of closeness ?

I think that true love is not when you never have to weather the storms, but when he never lets go of your hand while it rages.

Love Blooms Even in the Storms

He is My Serif

You complete me in a way I've never known.
Your words and actions have brushed across
Me and my world, illuminating and creating
Fine details that add beauty.
You love has adorned me
The finishing touch on my heart.
In my days you have become
The beginning and the end.
My eyes are ever drawn to you,
My ears ever listening for your voice.
You carry me on some days.
You help me touch the world on other days.

You have made me better than I ever was.

I Will Get to See Him Soon

And it's really all I want to think about.

...sang beneath the trees of the city... BD

Physicality

Sharp pain deep in your heart spreading into a dull ache weighing heavy in your chest numbing your mind until your head hurts like you ate ice cream too fast. So tired you can't sleep and then you're pacing room to room aimlessly and without thought. There is nothing to relieve the pain as it oozes gooey from your pores and pools on the floor.

Worse than a papercut..

Fingers sliced picking up the shards of your broken heart.

Are they worth it ?

Someone to call when I have troubles.
To tell me no don't come home, I've got this one.
To tell me yes come home and we'll take care of it together.
To calm me down.
To fire me up.
To weather the fall out from the decisions.

Husbands... yes they're worth it.

Something New

Today was one of those days when I wonder if I can survive parenthood. There are those cold and lonely days when there are no words to make you feel better. I fear, I worry, I regret, I storm, I threaten... and I exhaust myself.

In my wretched state of self repudiation he came and sat by me and didn't offer advice, I told you so's, or instructions. And it helped me to feel just encouraged enough to live to fight another day.

The Saga Continues

On Being Gushy, Sappy, and In Love

Is there really anything wrong with that, and isn't it such great fun ?

Decisions

Love doesn't leave room for failure.
Love never fails.

Here I am to Worship

Light of the World
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes
Let me see
Beauty that made
This heart adore You
Hope of a life
Spent with You

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God

You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

Disparaging

Immersed in each other
Refracting refractions
I am you
You are me
Sharing successes
And failures alike
Flowing, twining, linking
Would you make me less,
By making less of yourself ?

See Them Live... Even if You Didn't Like the Album

Success

Scheduled days of meetings that preclude action. Networking. False fronts. The ball and chain that the cell phone has become. Is it worth it ?

Watching my peers in little herds outside during breaks checking the pda and making frantic calls.... I suddenly think it's not.

When I was poor and worked a meaningless job I had time in the sun, time with my kids, time for loving, time for dreaming.

Sometimes the Most Ordinary Things are Extraordinary

I talked to him on the phone just now. The sound of his voice filtered down through my heart soothing all the stresses, filling and smoothing.

Today...

I got to work late from driving slow so I could daydream. I had got my favorite specialty coffee the one I’ll have to give up in order to actually start losing weight. $72 is a lot to spend at the convenience store on a Monday morning early. Gas. Sigh. I didn’t get up and work out again this morning because I stayed up late watching Jaws 2 and dreaming. I dream about him. Meeting him, seeing him, talking to him. And then I was swept away in my day. Meeting, talking, writing, adding, subtracting, delegating, soothing, standing firm, preparing. The passing thought .. ‘I need to call about my roof..’ Scheduled for the radio and tv. Feeling the warm rays of sunshine on my face when I drove to be with my friends. Like minded people who pray for me, as I pray for them. In brief moments of togetherness feeling the presence of God and the being whisked back to the business of life. Feeling the smiles in spirit while composing rhymes for my daughters and carefully arranging flowers to go with them. Driving back to the office wondering where we went wrong and why Bush has apparently flipped his lid and is giving rights to illegals whilst preparing to start a nuclear war. I bought the ticket, the one that takes me to him, and brings us to the beginning, the end, the middle. Who knows. Inviting my friend to speak with me quickly I only have ten minutes which turned into twenty. Life, love, pain, sickness, needs, wants, maybes and wants are hard to cover in twenty minutes. But then it’s only one hour til meeting with the group that is my boss. Yes I have 9 of them. A one hour meeting turns into two and by eight o’clock I’m drained trying to scoot the last talkative one out the door. Smiling to myself over the delight in my daughter’s voices when they called me after school very delighted over the flowers left as surprises in their rooms with the little rhymes to make peace after the hard issues we struggled through over the weekend. The call to my father on the way home wondering who is this man and why do I feel compelled to reach to him just because he asks me to. Men are such odd creatures. The one never wants me til I’m gone and then the one who had me treated me like nothing til I thought I would die. The one who means more than all of them put together has never even seen me and his love is more palpable than any I’ve known. My daughter called to see if I wanted her to start dinner and they were happy and chatty when I got home. Mom called to talk..about something I was watching a junk movie on Lifetime and then came in to write down the jumble of thoughts that flows and ebbs around and over me like the time.

...today.

HeeHee

Why is it

That we tend to want so much from people who don't have it to give ?

Or is that just my own sickness ?

Some Days

I can't wait to talk about my day...
But there is no one to listen.

Sweetness and Light

Reflections on a Gift of Watermelon Pickle Received from a Friend Called Felicity

During that summer
When unicorns were still possible;
When the purpose of knees
Was to be skinned;
When shiny horse chestnuts
(Hollowed out
Fitted with straws
Crammed with tobacco
Stolen from butts
In family ashtrays)
Were puffed in green lizard silence
While straddling thick branches
Far above and away
From the softening effects
Of civilization;

During that summer--
Which may never have been at all;
But which has become more real
Than the one that was--
Watermelons ruled.

Thick imperial slices
Melting frigidly on sun-parched tongues
Dribbling from chins;
Leaving the best part,
The black bullet seeds,
To be spit out in rapid fire
Against the wall
Against the wind
Against each other;

And when the ammunition was spent,
There was always another bite:
It was a summer of limitless bites,
Of hungers quickly felt
And quickly forgotten
With the next careless gorging.

The bites are fewer now.
Each one is savored lingeringly,
Swallowed reluctantly.

But in a jar put up by Felicity,
The summer which maybe never was
Has been captured and preserved.
And when we unscrew the lid
And slice off a piece
And let it linger on our tongue:
Unicorns become possible again.

John Tobias

Some Days are Rougher Than Others

Presumption

I put my post HERE for today.

He Touches My Heart

i feel you
all in me
all around me
stroking me

i have fronts
fronts you don't see
you are passed them
you are my centre

Love Notes

Then:



Now: