In The Blink of an Eye

I have loved you forever.

I am so glad to see summer !

Who You Are to Me

You saw me
You see me
You chase me
You pour for me
You are open to me
You make me feel special
You challenge me
You unlock me
You light me
You are a wonderful being
You have a fascinating mind
You love music
You drew me the way I am
You touch me
You hold me
You herd me

I want you to know who you are to me
You are my strength
I lean on you
I rely on you
I respect you
You are a perfect counterpart to me
I want to be your queen

Roadkill

My hands grip the wheel
The mirror reflects the gutted hopes
Of days gone by
The bleeding entrails and broken bodies
Scattered across the retreating road
Fasten the belt and hold tight to my hand
Let your trembling be stilled
As we drive past the vacant eyes
And death throes
Look only into my eyes
Where your fears are consumed

Strength Amidst the Cuts

Hiding

I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.

From My Journal-- May 28, 1989

It finally happened ! I gave birth to J on Thursday May 25, 1989 at 10:05 pm.

Thursday morning when I went for my appointment I was having regular contractions. They told me to go walk for a couple of hours and come back to be admitted. We got back to the hopstial at about 1:00pm. They hooked me up to the monitors and did an exam. I was at 2 cm and very thin. At 2:45 they broke my water and hooked up internal monitors. I didn't start having hard contractions until after five. Boy were they hard then ! I thought I would die. The nurse really helped me. Father was either watching TV or out smoking a cigarette most of the time. He kept badgering me to get an epidural. I had some Newbane when I was at about 3 cm. I was finally going to let them put in the epidural but I was already at 7 cm so I just got some more IV painkiller. Not very long after that I was ready to push. I was at 9 cm. About 30 minutes later I had her. Pushing was the easiest part. Bult labor wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Father was so upset because he wasn't much help until it was time to push. Another thing was there were lots of people there and I was forced to try to be sociable when I was in pain. Not next time. [9 visitors mentioned] She's a perfect baby except for a partial cleft lip. We were a little disappointed but I think she's the most wonderful thing... She was 7'5" and 19 1/2 inches long... She has black hair and her eyes are blue right now... I'm really sore and tired and I certainly didn't expect to bleed so much. I have lots of cramps especially when I nurse...

He Holds Me Within

Twenty-Six...

2 + 6 = 8 (months of knowing each other before we meet)
2 - 6 = -4 (just shy of our first anniversary)
2 x 6 = 12 (the top of hour, and there are many to come)
2/6 = 1/3 (I think of you one out of every three seconds)

26 Days until I see you and we draw our first circle to a close.

Sightline (To Spécial)...

When I look at you
I see something special
A rose that can blossom anywhere
I know of nothing that I could compare-- BD

Coincidence ?

The crowd of people outside the Cancer Treatment Center smoking and drinking coffee ?

I. Think. Not.

I stood and watched a wisp of a woman, tall with blonde frizzy hair, gaunt features, sucking down her cigarette. I thought to myself, that could be me. I really don't want that to be me, yet here I am in the same place. I thought of all my bad habits and lack of moderation in my younger years... It catches up with all of us. I wondered how my life would change if I was sick.. Would I keep working ? What about my kids ? Would I ever get my chance with B ? What would I do with my time ? Why do I have to come to this place to stop and think about these things ? Shouldn't we all live our days knowing that there may never be another one ? How did half of my year go by so fast ? Am I moving towards freedom and fulfillment ?

I'm not sick. But I could be, any of us could, at any time.

It just got me thinking.

We Were Babies Together

She will be 17 soon, the age I was when I had her.

What's Missing ?

Why do I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about things I should feel guilty about? And then, I feel guilty for feeling guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about?

It's Been A While Since I Pondered Death

Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.--Jonathan Edwards

I hope I am not caught unprepared but I look forward to the release.

Ironic

A medical office full of obese nurses.

Staying Behind the Glass

Other people shouldn't have to suffer my wounds but sometimes, I can't stop the bleeding once they've stepped inside. For the first time ever, I wonder if the same people who see them, will also see their healing.

Pet Peeve

People who call me and then yawn every two words or so... am I really that boring or what ? If not, and you're really that tired, call me AFTER your nap.

I've Always Insisted

That he what he does means more than what he says. Words after all are easy said. In thinking further, I wonder if I can live up to that for myself.

Then again, one can say that words are easy, but there are times I'd rather do something, or a thousand things, than utter one single word.

Then again, words and actions are quite easy for some, it's the honesty that's the hard part.

So I'm left retreating to my corner thinking I'll not be insisting that anyone do anything. I'll just try my best to utter words, that I can follow with action, and stay honest.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Always Up for a Little Hard Rock

I Wanted to End it All

But I'll stay because you asked me to.

Your Words Hold Me

Words can be beautiful
Words can be touching
Words can change lives
Words are meaningful
Words are monuments
Words are powerful
Words can never hug me
Words can never kiss me
Words can make me lonely
Words are all I have

Suddenly I Realized

When you get to the other side of the circle, your only choices are to either repeat the past, or start all over.

Locking Horns, Fighting Shadows

He Who Rules My Heart

He is so patient, and so kind. He calls to me when I drift away, singing the sweetest love songs. His qualities amaze and astound me, as does His everlasting patience with me. He shares His thoughts with me, and his Voice speaks into my heart. He shows me the beauty in the world, large and small. He fills my mind with thoughts of existence that is apart from me. I see His hand in nature, what an artist He is. When I walk through the woods, the trees, and the grass, and every rock speak of Him. Every color in imagination, seen and unseen to the human eye, flow out of His Light. And from Him emanates every note of beautiful music that has ever been played. He set the stars and the moon in to the sky, and when I sit on my porch in the balmy evening air, He sits down beside me and listens to my ponderings. Sometimes, he shows me humor, and I laugh with Him. He smoothes the furrows from my brow, easing my worries and filling me with hope.

I have walked in relationship with Him for as long as I can remember. He showed me who I am. The vision of myself as fluid golden light.

I am not an apologist. Or even the best Christian. I don’t know a lot about anything really, especially religion. But I do know God. Everything I am, Everything I have, I owe to Him.

There is Nothing Better

Than being held in the arms of a friend who will pray for you.

Banter

"you're a compilation i could always have on repeat"

Some Days

Life is like being trapped inside a glass box.

I can see all the possibilities, and yet I can't move.