The Other Side of the Circle

Isolation

2006-06-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

New Problems, Old Tools

2006-06-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

It's Everyone's Problem

2006-06-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

Grace...

2006-06-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

I am so glad to see summer !

2006-05-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Roadkill

2006-05-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

My hands grip the wheel
The mirror reflects the gutted hopes
Of days gone by
The bleeding entrails and broken bodies
Scattered across the retreating road
Fasten the belt and hold tight to my hand
Let your trembling be stilled
As we drive past the vacant eyes
And death throes
Look only into my eyes
Where your fears are consumed

From My Journal-- May 28, 1989

2006-05-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

It finally happened ! I gave birth to J on Thursday May 25, 1989 at 10:05 pm.

Thursday morning when I went for my appointment I was having regular contractions. They told me to go walk for a couple of hours and come back to be admitted. We got back to the hopstial at about 1:00pm. They hooked me up to the monitors and did an exam. I was at 2 cm and very thin. At 2:45 they broke my water and hooked up internal monitors. I didn't start having hard contractions until after five. Boy were they hard then ! I thought I would die. The nurse really helped me. Father was either watching TV or out smoking a cigarette most of the time. He kept badgering me to get an epidural. I had some Newbane when I was at about 3 cm. I was finally going to let them put in the epidural but I was already at 7 cm so I just got some more IV painkiller. Not very long after that I was ready to push. I was at 9 cm. About 30 minutes later I had her. Pushing was the easiest part. Bult labor wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Father was so upset because he wasn't much help until it was time to push. Another thing was there were lots of people there and I was forced to try to be sociable when I was in pain. Not next time. [9 visitors mentioned] She's a perfect baby except for a partial cleft lip. We were a little disappointed but I think she's the most wonderful thing... She was 7'5" and 19 1/2 inches long... She has black hair and her eyes are blue right now... I'm really sore and tired and I certainly didn't expect to bleed so much. I have lots of cramps especially when I nurse...

We Were Babies Together

2006-05-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

She will be 17 soon, the age I was when I had her.

It's Been A While Since I Pondered Death

2006-05-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.--Jonathan Edwards

I hope I am not caught unprepared but I look forward to the release.

Ironic

2006-05-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

A medical office full of obese nurses.

Pet Peeve

2006-05-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

People who call me and then yawn every two words or so... am I really that boring or what ? If not, and you're really that tired, call me AFTER your nap.

I've Always Insisted

2006-05-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

That he what he does means more than what he says. Words after all are easy said. In thinking further, I wonder if I can live up to that for myself.

Then again, one can say that words are easy, but there are times I'd rather do something, or a thousand things, than utter one single word.

Then again, words and actions are quite easy for some, it's the honesty that's the hard part.

So I'm left retreating to my corner thinking I'll not be insisting that anyone do anything. I'll just try my best to utter words, that I can follow with action, and stay honest.

Always Up for a Little Hard Rock

2006-05-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

I Wanted to End it All

2006-05-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

But I'll stay because you asked me to.

Suddenly I Realized

2006-05-10T07:33:00.000-07:00

When you get to the other side of the circle, your only choices are to either repeat the past, or start all over.

Locking Horns, Fighting Shadows

2006-05-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

I Pretended It Was Someone Else

2006-05-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it is like to have your body violated that way? By someone who loves you? Someone who is supposed to cherish you and protect you? Do you know how it feels to have someone use their body and their strength as a weapon against you? If you have ever been beaten up, then of course, you know. The rage you feel, the hate, the desire for revenge, the total feeling of helplessness that fuels your anger. How do you deal with those feelings when they're about someone that you love?

It was a terrible thing that happened to me some years before I met you. It was a man that I knew and trusted. I didn't think that he would ever do something like that to me. But he did. I looked into his eyes and saw that he had no thought for the pain he was causing me. He pinned me down so that I could not move, and the more I struggled, the rougher it got. And I was helpless...

It was a feeling of total outrage and disgust that I will never forget. The worst part was that I knew that he would never be aware of what he had done to me because he was a man with no thought of what he was doing to my body.

Summer 1994

Some Days

2006-05-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

Life is like being trapped inside a glass box.

I can see all the possibilities, and yet I can't move.

Physicality

2006-04-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

Sharp pain deep in your heart spreading into a dull ache weighing heavy in your chest numbing your mind until your head hurts like you ate ice cream too fast. So tired you can't sleep and then you're pacing room to room aimlessly and without thought. There is nothing to relieve the pain as it oozes gooey from your pores and pools on the floor.

Worse than a papercut..

2006-04-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Fingers sliced picking up the shards of your broken heart.

Are they worth it ?

2006-04-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

Someone to call when I have troubles.
To tell me no don't come home, I've got this one.
To tell me yes come home and we'll take care of it together.
To calm me down.
To fire me up.
To weather the fall out from the decisions.

Husbands... yes they're worth it.

The Saga Continues

2006-04-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Decisions

2006-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Love doesn't leave room for failure.
Love never fails.

Here I am to Worship

2006-04-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Light of the World
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes
Let me see
Beauty that made
This heart adore You
Hope of a life
Spent with You

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God

You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

See Them Live... Even if You Didn't Like the Album

2006-04-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

Success

2006-04-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

Scheduled days of meetings that preclude action. Networking. False fronts. The ball and chain that the cell phone has become. Is it worth it ?

Watching my peers in little herds outside during breaks checking the pda and making frantic calls.... I suddenly think it's not.

When I was poor and worked a meaningless job I had time in the sun, time with my kids, time for loving, time for dreaming.

Today...

2006-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

I got to work late from driving slow so I could daydream. I had got my favorite specialty coffee the one I’ll have to give up in order to actually start losing weight. $72 is a lot to spend at the convenience store on a Monday morning early. Gas. Sigh. I didn’t get up and work out again this morning because I stayed up late watching Jaws 2 and dreaming. I dream about him. Meeting him, seeing him, talking to him. And then I was swept away in my day. Meeting, talking, writing, adding, subtracting, delegating, soothing, standing firm, preparing. The passing thought .. ‘I need to call about my roof..’ Scheduled for the radio and tv. Feeling the warm rays of sunshine on my face when I drove to be with my friends. Like minded people who pray for me, as I pray for them. In brief moments of togetherness feeling the presence of God and the being whisked back to the business of life. Feeling the smiles in spirit while composing rhymes for my daughters and carefully arranging flowers to go with them. Driving back to the office wondering where we went wrong and why Bush has apparently flipped his lid and is giving rights to illegals whilst preparing to start a nuclear war. I bought the ticket, the one that takes me to him, and brings us to the beginning, the end, the middle. Who knows. Inviting my friend to speak with me quickly I only have ten minutes which turned into twenty. Life, love, pain, sickness, needs, wants, maybes and wants are hard to cover in twenty minutes. But then it’s only one hour til meeting with the group that is my boss. Yes I have 9 of them. A one hour meeting turns into two and by eight o’clock I’m drained trying to scoot the last talkative one out the door. Smiling to myself over the delight in my daughter’s voices when they called me after school very delighted over the flowers left as surprises in their rooms with the little rhymes to make peace after the hard issues we struggled through over the weekend. The call to my father on the way home wondering who is this man and why do I feel compelled to reach to him just because he asks me to. Men are such odd creatures. The one never wants me til I’m gone and then the one who had me treated me like nothing til I thought I would die. The one who means more than all of them put together has never even seen me and his love is more palpable than any I’ve known. My daughter called to see if I wanted her to start dinner and they were happy and chatty when I got home. Mom called to talk..about something I was watching a junk movie on Lifetime and then came in to write down the jumble of thoughts that flows and ebbs around and over me like the time.

...today.

HeeHee

2006-04-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it

2006-04-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

That we tend to want so much from people who don't have it to give ?

Or is that just my own sickness ?

Reflections on a Gift of Watermelon Pickle Received from a Friend Called Felicity

2006-04-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

During that summer
When unicorns were still possible;
When the purpose of knees
Was to be skinned;
When shiny horse chestnuts
(Hollowed out
Fitted with straws
Crammed with tobacco
Stolen from butts
In family ashtrays)
Were puffed in green lizard silence
While straddling thick branches
Far above and away
From the softening effects
Of civilization;

During that summer--
Which may never have been at all;
But which has become more real
Than the one that was--
Watermelons ruled.

Thick imperial slices
Melting frigidly on sun-parched tongues
Dribbling from chins;
Leaving the best part,
The black bullet seeds,
To be spit out in rapid fire
Against the wall
Against the wind
Against each other;

And when the ammunition was spent,
There was always another bite:
It was a summer of limitless bites,
Of hungers quickly felt
And quickly forgotten
With the next careless gorging.

The bites are fewer now.
Each one is savored lingeringly,
Swallowed reluctantly.

But in a jar put up by Felicity,
The summer which maybe never was
Has been captured and preserved.
And when we unscrew the lid
And slice off a piece
And let it linger on our tongue:
Unicorns become possible again.

John Tobias

The Second Noble Truth

2006-03-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

"Desire does not cause suffering; the cause of suffering is the grasping of desire."

Can one really stop the grasping ?

RE: Anthro 101

2006-03-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

It is true that individuals in this country lack the level of commitment required for proper oiling of the democratic machine. As Brico points out, the evolutionary perspective may be be able to shed some light on the reasons why, much like it sheds light on most of the other biological, psychological, and sociological disorders commonly found in humans.

In the Era of Evolutionary Adaptation (EEA), the extended family was the primary social group of hunter-gatherers. Small groups were necessary for mobility, ample hunting, and agriculture. An added benefit—mate guarding did not require intense vigilance. “Culture” was rudimentary at best and leadership (ie government) stemmed from unwritten mandates that promoted successful pair bonding and, in turn, raising successful offspring.

Modern “culture” has eroded away the “natural” tendencies of humans to work as little as possible, play as much as possible, and focus on the nurturance of the family unit. More importantly, the ever widening social context dilutes the biological significance of leadership as found in the EEA.

Not only has population growth forced us to live in close proximity to each other, but it has pressed us ever more closely for resources (as Brico says “in caveman times this would be water, shelter, fire, hunting grounds”). Beyond this, modern culture jeopardizes those things that have the deepest evolved biopsychological meaning to us: mates and offspring.

And yes, our “alpha male” i.e. leader/president is neither close to us in proximity nor genetic relatedness, which makes him “instinctively” irrelevant to us. Perhaps we could say the same of government as a whole.

Do we remain focused on subculture ? Yes and it’s what we’re evolved to do. Can we raise our consciousness to the greater good ? Possibly, but it’s not “natural” to do so. Is the greater good where we “should” be focused ? That is a whole different discussion regarding the faulty government structures that we are saddled with.

Many of society’s ‘ills’ can be associated with the attempt to force humans to be what they are not. The biological truth is: reciprocity and altruism are not motivated by the greater good, they are motivated by the individual’s purely self-centered desires to have maximum biological success in the present and the future. To act on behalf of the greater good, outside of those related to us genetically, violates the biological principles underlying evolutionary biology.

Happy Spring...

2006-03-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

Evolution is...

2006-03-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

Incremental changes over long periods of time that result in the development of new characteristics.

Evolution requires...

2006-03-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

Enough variation for flexibility.

Evolution ends...

2006-03-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

When homogeny is complete.

Good Livers are Hard to Find

2006-03-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

Hokiest Movie Ever...

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I thought it was Leprachaun until I saw Jack Frost.

The sad thing is, I actually watched these movies long enough to find out. The only possible reason to produce such garbage is to become fodder for Mystery Science Theatre ?

Hmmm...

2006-03-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

I keep coming back here... But I can't think of anything to say. Actually earlier I was thinking to myself, "Who the hell really gives a s**t about what I think about anything?"

I've had a renewed bout of struggling with silence as of late. I noticed it in particular today when I wanted to say something, and couldn't. Not in front of everybody else. Sigh. I hate that.It's so hard when speaking aloud feels like such a risk, and at the same time you know that it's critical that you speak your mind. Those moments when you didn't say what you should have can never be regained. They are lost opportunities. Even saying the wrong thing can be recovered from... after all, highly 'successful' people in all fields say/write unbelievable and shocking things at times, right ?

Change is not just hard, it's like fighting quicksand. The harder you pull the faster you sink.

Since it's been so quiet around here...

2006-03-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

Ten Things That Annoy Me

2006-03-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

1. A new stoplight on road you've driven five million times that makes you slam on your brakes at the bottom of a hill.
2. Bloggers who moderate comments... what gives ?!?!?
3. Those people waving petitions at you in front of the post office when you've no time to think about anything beyond trying to get back to work on time.
4. Blogs with tons of pop-ups, annoying music, and no 'next blog' button at the top.
5. The post office. It makes me feel postal. It's like a vacuum where time, space, reality cease to exist. There is only the postal worker moving more and more slowly, and the line growing longer and longer. Worker mind you, not workers, even though there are five spots only one is staffed. Why bother extending hours if there is no one to work ?
6. Word verification on blogger. I have mine turned off and RARELY have to remove an unwanted comment... at the very least can we make them less complicated so that I can actually post a comment without trying for fifteen minutes ?
7. When the mailman puts my stuff in somebody else's mailbox ... it is inevitably opened when I get it back. So much for privacy.
8. The Patriot Act (speaking of privacy).
9. When people explain things that I already know in the form of a dissertation when a sentence would suffice and still don't answer my question.
10. That the guy in front of me in line was the one who won the lottery. Sigh.

I Love My Children

2006-03-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

They make me cry, laugh, fume, agonize, plan, hope, dream, and rage all in the course of a day.

The longest love affair I've ever had.

They show me new things, share new perspectives, teach me, alter my thinking, accept my guidance, prove me wrong, prove me right, hug me, cry on my shoulder, scheme for the future with me, hold my hand.

The beginning of the longest friendships I will ever have.

They bring their accomplishments to me, and it is a feeling of satisfaction like no other I have ever experienced. All the aches and pains of the parenting disappear into the moment when she looks into my eyes and is not only proud of what she did, but immensely satisfied that she's able to show it off to me.

One more step in the journey of being a parent.
No one else travels it with me except those two.

Freedom

2006-03-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

I have thought a lot about what you said... And I was reminded...

Of all the times when I have stood alone, and felt that inner solitude.
How the cold crept in and brushed it's freezing shine over all I saw.
How my footsteps felt placed where they had been before, retracing the circle.
How I was living a life that was not mine, it was my mother's.
Of the path that my feet were put on and the end to which it would have led.

I remembered when I knew I was nothing and never could be..
It is hard to accept that we are nothing in ourselves.
But the acceptance sets us free to embrace that which will make us
something.

Journal Entry 3/5/06

2006-03-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

I saw my dad today.

He is recovering from surgery and looks frail. Nothing like the man who terrified me as a child. I feel guilty some days, like today, that I don't feel more for him. I don't hate him, I just don't feel much at all. The place in my heart that is marked 'DAD' is numb, and has been for twenty years.

So I sat and talked to him about his health issues and gave cursory responses to his questions about my life when, quite unexpectedly, I began to pour my heart out to him. I told him my fears, my worries, and my frustrations. And then, the most amazing thing happened. My dad encouraged me, comforted me, and told me that he is proud of me.

Maybe it was just the drugs that softened him up, but for just a moment, the numbness and the hurt underneath faded, and I felt love for my Dad.

Cuz Everyone Else Did One...

2006-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

Melancholic Personality

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

Do You Remember When

2006-02-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

The smiles of your wife, and
The laughter of children
Were the only fires that
Lit your soul and
warmed your heart ?

I Fear

2006-02-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

That one day We will disappear
And I will be left standing
Wondering if you were ever real

Word Cloud

2006-02-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

My beau burns with dedication
to his beautiful circle.
Dreaming dreams that end in a future,
reflected in eyes of the greatest green.
Falling in complete distraction
away from the bleak.

There are Parts of Me

2006-02-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

That will never change.
I wonder if that's okay.

Lesson

2006-02-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

When it's over, it's just begun.

The Present Becomes the Future

2006-02-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

“Do you still want me?” you asked.
And I said, “You don’t have to ask me every day.”
You said, “Well, do you?”
And I said, “Yes.”

But what I really said within my heart was,
“Want him?”
Do I want him?
In an exotic, quixotic way
I want him.
I want him because
I can walk with him,
And he talks to me about the things I like to talk about.
And he says funny things to me,
And sometimes he thinks they’re so funny
He says them twice.
And I know him better than
Any woman has any right to know a man.
And with all that I find
Just when I think I know him best,
I know him not at all.
And all I really want is a chance to know him better,
And that takes time.
And I would like to take all the time given to me
To know him better
Which is the real reason
I cannot bear to be away from him.
“Yes.”

---Lois Wyse, 1967
Love Poems for the Very Married

Seeing

2006-02-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

I looked everywhere,
A thousand times
For you today.

Though I cannot see
You with my eyes,
I feel you in my
Heart.

From My Journal--- 11/23/1993

2006-02-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

I wish that I had been born beautiful.

I wish that I was less complicated.

I wish love was easy.

To My Lover--

2006-02-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

I wish you were here, bringing the joy I find only in your presence.

Maybe... We would talk, and laugh. You would tell me stories of your life, I would tell you stories of mine. We would understand each other, and our minds would meet.

Maybe... We would share our hopes and dreams and fears, without fear of judgement or ridicule. We would experience togetherness and friendship bound in trust, and our hearts would meet.

Maybe... Finding perfection at last, for a moment the world would stop, and there would be only you and me, and the ecstacy of our union. You would look into my eyes and I into yours, and our souls would meet.

Maybe... we would make love, and it would be a passionate reflection of the spiritual us.

I wish you were here, because if you were, there would be no maybes about it.

Sliver

2006-02-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

Wrapped

2006-02-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Settling like a cloak
Dark coldness seeping in
Where warmth should be
The weight
Constrains
Paralyzing emotions
And thoughts
Time flows by
So painfully slow
And yet so smoothly
Reality is hushed
Existence
Seen from a distance

How Can You Miss Someone You've Never Met ?

2006-02-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

At times the aching of my heart is more than I can bear.

Whispers

2006-02-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

Softly shaping shadows
Flights of fanciful wishes
Brimming with color and light

Drifting threads of golden gossamer
Waiting breathlessly for flight
Shimmering in the heat of summer

Slipping through her fingers
As the silver bells are chiming
Painting amber trails of liquid joy
Across the silent and waiting white

Autumn Moth

2006-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

Pen vs Pencil

2006-02-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Save a tree, use a pen.

One of My Favorite Times

2006-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

Watching white lines flow past me, stars glittering in the black velvety night as I hurtle towards a moon hung low in the sky. Music loud in my ears, the feeling of flying close to the edge of the world.

Aspiring to Holiness

2006-02-02T06:58:00.000-08:00

Passing the Test

2006-02-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

God ? Hello ?

2006-02-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes He seems so far away, so untouchable. I can't tell if the callous in my heart develops because of the absence, or is the cause of it.. Regardless, I anxiously await the day when prayers don't feel like they're just words echoing in an empty room.

Meet Smiley...

2006-01-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

The coolest fish ever ! He is about eight years old, loves brine shrimp and the occasional guppie. He spends his time cleaning his tank and making burrows under the rocks. When you come up to his tank he swims up to greet you and will eat out of your hand. He also knocks on his lid when he needs a snack. He has killed numerous fish, an apple snail, a blue crawdad (which was a sad one), numerous pleco, and every other cichlid that he was grown with.

If he was a character in a movie... I'd call him Mr. Pink.

From the Same State That Elected a Dead Guy

2006-01-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. -- A state senator wants to force Missouri stores to sell warm beer. Under a bill by Sen. Bill Alter, grocery and convenience stores would risk losing their liquor licenses if they sold beer colder than 60 degrees. The intent is to cut down on drunken driving by making it less tempting to pop open a beer after leaving the store.

''The only reason why beer would need to be cold is so that it can be consumed right away,'' said Alter, who has been a police officer for more than 20 years.

He said the idea came from a fifth-grade student in Jefferson County who was participating in a program to teach elementary students about state government. He sought their suggestions for new laws and chose the cold-beer ban from a list of the top three ideas.

Some lawmakers and lobbyists, however, are lukewarm to the proposal. Ron Leone, executive vice president for the Missouri Petroleum Marketers and Convenience Store Association, said Missouri's drinking and driving laws and designated driver programs have curbed the number of people who drink and drive.

''It would be an inconvenience for law-abiding citizens who want to purchase cold beer for picnics, parties and social gatherings,'' he said. ''People who want to drive drunk will drive drunk anyway.''
AP

He Finds What He Sought

2006-01-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

Beware, lest mingled with your pleasure
Boredom comes to share your leisure—
But the silvery strings so fair
Accompanying a favourite air
Beguile my time
With song sublime,
And chase away all tedious care.

However strenuous the day
My strength is equal to the fray;
Refreshed by this, my powers are strong
To meet my duties all day long;
Then, work complete,
With music sweet
I play myself a goodnight song.

--Sperontes

Upper Tangent Arc

2006-01-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

Atmospheric Phenomena

Tangent Vectors as Directional Derivatives

2006-01-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

Since tangent vectors to a general manifold can be defined as derivations it is natural to think of them as directional derivatives. Specifically, if v is a tangent vector of M at a point p (thought of as a derivation) then define the directional derivative in the direction v by

Dv(f) = v(f)

where f : M → R is an element of C∞(M). If we think of v as the direction of a curve, v = γ'(0), then we write

Dv(f) = (f o γ)'(0)

Writer's Block

2006-01-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

Are you going to post today ?

"Yes I am," I think to myself...

Four hours later, sitting and staring at the screen, nothing really comes to mind. I have half written prose pieces that either won't finish themselves or don't feel relevant to me today. There are lines of poetry drifting on the breezes of my mind just not quite landing on the paper. Images illuminate themselves in my head but I have neither the ability to render them, nor the energy to search and search to see if there an artist somewhere who had my same thought at some time.

I worry about my kids. I wish I was a better mother. I want them to have a great life, better than mine.

I have thoughts of love, whispers in my ear, and passion, that my mind won't release. Dreams of houses to be built, paths to be walked, and gardens to be planted. Some days they seem like a mirage shimmering in the heat... not quite touchable. The man I love is a world away.

The challenges in my life have drawn themselves into a formidable height. I see them but I don't really feel afraid. A new direction birthed itself in my heart recently... a path to a future that I never imagined before.

I smoked five cigarettes today... maybe tomorrow I won't smoke any. I consumed 2,000 calories today... maybe tomorrow it will only be 1,800. Yesterday I did two miles... maybe tomorrow I'll do three. Maybe tomorrow the pile of paper on my desk will be gone at the end of the day... probably not.

So in this swirl of random and half formed thoughts, I can't think of anything at all to post. I'm not happy or sad, joyful or depressed, anxious or calm, tired or awake. It's just one of those days when I feel I'm clocking time for no particular reason...

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think of something to post.

Couple Days Off

2006-01-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

I'm headed off to a 'retreat' for the weekend. (Yes it's really a sleepover for grownups). Wish me luck !

Staring Down the Barrel of a 45

2006-01-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Ten Things I Saw at the Bar Tonight

2006-01-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

1. A cool band called Liquifix
2. A one armed man
3. A 'little person'
4. May fortune favor the foolish-- Hamlet, on the wall
5. A guy in Carhart jacket, wearing a John Deer cap, carrying a shiny purse and a fur coat (can you say WHIPPED)
6. A not so cool band called Decadent Nation
7. A bar full of people at least ten years younger than me (can I really be getting that much older?)
8. My favorite bartender
9. The bottom end of five pints of beer
10. The empty space beside me everytime I wanted to talk to someone

Thursday is Beer Night

2006-01-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

Some traditions always hold true.

Weather Report

2006-01-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

Road conditions could become hazardous depending on the temperature if it freezes.

HUH?

A Conversation About Cats, Continued...

2006-01-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

To continue the sad story of Claude so rudely cut short by ‘a friend’ aka God’s Own Zilla...

Claude was one of my favorite cats... orange and white striped. He was born in the one and only litter of Sariel and his father was the beloved cat of my husband to be. He was warm and affectionate and dog like... good qualities for cats.

One fine day Claude went outside and did not return. Days and weeks passed and we believed the Claude was gone forever. Imagine our surprise to open our front door one day after months gone by to find Claude on the doorstep !

However, the happiness quickly faded when we realized that Claude’s back legs were broken, smashed. Of course we rushed him to the vet, who pinned him together like this:

Soon we returned home ($500 lighter in the wallet), we nursed him back to health, and began giving him little stints in the yard. He hobbled around on his pins and we looked forward to when he would be well.

Well you wouldn’t you know it... that damn cat disappeared out of the yard before his medical bills were paid off... and this time never to be seen again !

Moral of the Story: Some things are meant to remain broken OR sometimes they do come back... only to RUN OFF AGAIN !

Released

2006-01-07T07:40:00.000-08:00

From the fear of tomorrow, and the dread of today.

The 'F' Word

2006-01-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

Imagine my surprise when I looked out to see all those fopdoodles formicating in the street. I heard later that it was caused by an outbreak of framboesia which of course is known to produce demensia and folie de doute (among other nasty symptoms).. The outbreak began in one of three ways: exposure during a felicide, a contaminated firkin (not a gherkin), or a flagitious action on the part of the local famulus. Regardless, it flagellated throughout town almost instantly... You might think this is a bunch of flapdoodle, and that I am nothing but fabulist... but that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Poetry of 33 Musings

2006-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

In my 5th year I lost my joy.
Sometimes I wonder if it will ever return.
In my 7th year I found God.
He carries me still.
In my 9th year, I lost my voice.
Silence ruled my life thereafter.
In my 13th year I lost my innocence.
How I wish that I had waited.
In my 16th year I lost my father.
I don’t know if I ever really had one.
In my 17th year I became a mother.
This joy was soon to double.
In my 21st year I found the love of my life.
He ruled my heart ever after.
In my 23rd year I lost my safety.
Love became my prison.
In my 26th year I achieved success.
It came and went without celebration.
In my 29th year I lost the heart of my husband
But I was not yet to be released.
In my 33rd year ghostly footsteps,
Echoed through halls of memory
Doors shut, never to reopen.

I paused to look down the path behind me,
As my mind’s eye cast across
The valleys and the mountains
A beautiful landscape of light and shadow.
The musings threading through my thoughts,
And my ears strained to hear the voice of God.

In my 34th year I stood looking for the path ahead
It was illuminated by a dream made real.

My First Cat...

2005-12-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

She came to me by chance at a time that I was suddenly left alone (1995) ...

Named Sariel, after an angel in the book that I was reading at the time, she was representation of the love, warmth, peace, fierceness, and shielding that I needed at the time.

Sariel was a name written upon the shields of the fighting forces of heaven. Representing courage, self control, and tolerance Sariel is an angel who rules over vision and wisdom.

The peace in heaven needs to be defended because evil will always look for ways to destroy that peace. War is not the same as evil, it is the way to defeat evil. That's why Sariel have warrior abilities and why shields exist in heaven.

Described as a feminine Angel in occult traditions, her immense knowledge of magic, magical rituals, and magical powers are her legend. Sariel represents "guidance" in Sumerian traditions; in Talmud she is an angel of death.

My cat has been gone for several years, however, the Sariel still represent the things that I hope to nurture and grow within myself.

She is a powerful practioner, agent of change, strives for peace, operates in Wisdom, can see, and she has courage in battle.

Choices...

2005-12-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.

James 4:17

A Conversation About Cats

2005-12-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

JT: here's what my blog entry would say: Title-- One of those days...
“A friend”: mind numbing
JT: Today, while I was cleaning my house
JT: I heard a screech of tires outside
JT: a cautious look revealed that there was indeed a cat tail sticking out of that bloody hairy puddle
JT: and matched my cat
JT: dutifully
JT: I retrieved a shovel from the shed
JT: a pair of gloves
JT: and a trash bag
JT: and scooped my beloved Baxter off the rood
JT: road
JT: sigh
JT: The saddest part is, we had just got through the kitten stage
JT: and now I have to start all over again
JT: true story
“A friend”: they should all be run over
JT: bleh
JT: now the saddest story
JT: about cats
JT: that I have
JT: is about Claude
“A friend”: please
JT: he was one of my favs
“A friend”: I feel for you
JT: he disappeared one day
“A friend”: but spare me?

Home for Christmas

2005-12-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

News Flash...

2005-12-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

A roundabout is NOT a 4-way stop !

Pickles are Green (Kids Say the Darndest Things)

2005-12-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

Roses are red
Pickles are green
I love your legs
And what's in between
I like your style
I like your class
But most of all
I like your ass

Scenic Salt Lake...

2005-12-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Unexpected Wisdom #5

2005-12-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

"I want to be able to fly... Why would I want to be stuck with a husband who looks at me and says... 'That's not logical ! ' "

From My Journal-- January 14, 1994

2005-12-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

"He showed me a piece of sheet metal that he shot with his .22.
He's so proud of those guns. (smiley face)
(Yes, he's been shooting in the house again).
He's so cute."

WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some days I wish I could travel back in time, run into my young self, and slap some sense into her ! !

Fancy Flushing ?!

2005-12-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

As we Americans become more and more obsessed with instant gratification and work that isn't work, the demand for instantly useable and disposable products has increased. Consider the case of the disposable toilet brush.

I was first incredulous, and then tickled to see the cleaning supply industry race to create the best one time use toilet brush. I was, in my younger days, a maid. And we were trained to clean the old fashioned way using netiher mop nor toilet brush. EVERYTHING had to be done BY HAND including floors and toilets. (You wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen) Now, I realize that this is hard core approach, and even I cheat and use a mop now and then, but I never thought the disposable toilet brush would take off!

Much to my surprise however, many people have indeed abandoned rubber gloves and reusable toilet brushes/sponges to purchase this wonderful new invention despite higher cost, increased waste production, and potential damage to the plumbing! (Though I’ve heard that people are not having this problem)

I was even more surprised to learn that some of my compatriots have also resorted to the disposable brush. Now I understand this when cleaning other people’s homes, but your own? As for the nasty brush, there is no worry about storing them if you don’t use them.

Why people are so afraid of cleaning their own toilets, I’ll never know.

Those Crazy Neighbors...

2005-12-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

My Daughter's Favorite Riddle

2005-12-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

How could you be born in 1985 and still only be ten years old?

A Rule of Thumb

2005-11-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

Never wear shoes in which you could not run for your life if necessary... And you never know when it might be necessary.

Anxious Insomnia

2005-11-27T23:04:00.000-08:00

All the world’s a blur
Round and round
The merry-go-round whirls
Quivering heart beating
Faster faster faster
Til breath is caught
The world stops
Fade to black
Spidery veins of fear
Crackling through me
Fragile bones breaking
Hot tears coursing
Through the dust

A Trip Down Memory Lane (My Concert Log)

2005-11-26T08:56:00.000-08:00

1988, Poison, Hearnes Center, Columbia
1993, Billy Goat, Columbia
1993, Megadeath, Pantera, White Zombie, Riverport, St Louis
June 27, 1996, Lollapalooza (Metallica/Soundgarden)
February 4, 1997 Metallica, Kiel Center, St Louis
April 15, 1997, KISS, Kiel Center, St Louis
August 20, 1997, ZZ Top, State Fair Grounds, Sedalia
March 9, 1998, Limp Bizkit, Clutch, SevenDust, Columbia
April 26, 1998, Cracker, Columbia
March 13, 1998, Robert Bluestone, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
February 6, 1998, Reverend Horton Heat, Columbia
May 27, 1998, The Foo Fighters, Columbia
June 6, 1998, Slayer, Columbia
September 10, 1998, The Black Crowes, Columbia
September 19, 1998, Bocomo Fall Festivus, Boone County Fairgrounds
November 1999, Al Jarreau, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
June 27, 2000, The Jayhawks, Columbia
2000, Chris Duarte, Mojo’s, Columbia
November 26, 2000, The Wallflowers w/ Everlast, The Pageant, St Louis
April 4, 2001, SR-71 w/ Dexter Freebish, Columbia
July 16, 2001, Blues Traveler, Columbia
August, 18, 2001, BB King/Buddy Guy, John Hiatt/Tommy Castro, Fox Theater, St Louis December 17, 2001, Gravity Kills w/ Pigface and Godhead
February 22, 2002, Rev. Horton Heat w/ Nashville Pussy, Columbia
March 14, 2003, Rev. Horton Heat, Columbia
September 30, 2003, Queensryche, Columbia
April 2, 2004, Rev. Horton Heat, Columbia
2004, Jonatha Brooke, Missouri Theatre, Columbia
November 3, 2004, Ministry w/Thrill Kill Cult, Columbia
February, 13, 2005, Big Head Todd w/Carbon Leaf
April 20, 2005, Crossfade, Columbia
April 22, 2005, Slipknot w/ Lamb of God, City Market, Kansas City
April 26, 2005, Ozomatli, Columbia
2005, Split Lip Rayfield, Columbia

A Stab at the Answer

2005-11-25T20:42:00.000-08:00

At the end of my last relationship, I was stunned by how it paralleled my marriage. It constituted the Beginning. I realized the Truth about myself and began setting my “house” in order so that such parallels could never reappear.

At times, I am jarred, confused, and sometimes afraid of what seems to be the re-emergence of the parallels. I feel uncertain, exposed, and unguarded. The past wells up like a flood washing over the present and the future. Not simple déjà vu, but the feeling that I have rushed around the corner and collided with myself.

The experience causes me to question over and over again, “Can things be different AND the same?” I hesitate on this point knowing the dire consequences should I per chance walk the same circle that I have previously walked. Doing the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity. I want to hold my sanity, which is more complete now than it has been in years. I promised myself at the beginning that I would never do the same thing again.

But, EVERYTHING is the same, and everything is different. Red and green apples, the gentle breeze that pushes me across the lake and later turns into a tornado, H. erectus and H. sapiens, translation, water and vapor, red/blue/purple, the same word spoken in love and hate, the light that warms and the light that cuts, transformation, the alcoholic and the meth-head, the same song played in a different key, the Universe. And, my Self--I am the same, and I am different... since last year, since last month, since this morning.

A simple concept? Perhaps. But to those who wish to avoid repeating the past it can be frightening. There is a fine line between close-minded stereotyping, and wise discernment. The answer is as complex as it is simple. In essence, all people are the same, all men are the same. But the colors that stain their essence and the pains that drive their passions are different... Similarity does not indicate parallel? One must have the wisdom to discern whether or not the similarity is analogous or homologous?

The answer is in the measure of connectivity between myself and the person that I am relating to: Are WE parallel to each other..? Do we create beautiful shades and blends together...?

Goodnight Moon

2005-11-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

There’s a nail in the door
And there’s glass on the lawn
Tacks on the floor
And the tv is on
And I always sleep with my guns
When you’re gone
There’s a blade by the bed
And a phone in my hand
A dog on the floor
And some cash on the nightstand
When I’m all alone the dreaming stops
And I just can’t stand
What should I do
I’m just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
Well goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it’s not here soon
I might be done
No it won’t be too soon
’til I say
Goodnight moon

Shivaree//Soundtrack Kill Bill: Volume 2

Two Things Every Girl Should Own

2005-11-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

I understand that as a home owner I will have to acquire "real" tools for the around the house projects that keep popping up. But, I've said it before and I'll say it again (much to the chagrin of most males within earshot)...

You can do ALMOST anything with just a hammer and a screwdriver.

New appreciation today as I am ripping up the carpet in one of my rooms to expose the hardwood.

Unexpected Wisdom #4

2005-11-24T01:59:00.000-08:00

"When you get that feeling in your gut, the one that makes you cold all over, don't take the deal."

A Hiatus

2005-11-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

I know that I have been a bit lazy on the blog these last few weeks, but I thought I'd let you know that I won't be around until next weekend. The big deal at work that has been stressing me out is going down this week.

Wish me luck ?

Bumper Sticker Wisdom ?

2005-11-10T08:30:00.000-08:00